Post #2: School’s Out! (4/28/17)

That’s right everyone, I am finished with school. At least, this semester of it. During the summer I have a few weeks of a summer course in May, but that shouldn’t be so bad. It’s an 8 A.M. which I, for the most part, swore off. But since it’s the only class I’ll be taking (along with the lab) I don’t think it should be too bad. It frees up Tuesday and Thursday completely during fall semester next year, which should allow me some study/work time. Currently, I’m looking for another job. I like working for my dad in his office a lot, but I need more than one source of income if I’m going to pay off student housing. I’m looking for jobs where people I know work. Not to work with them, but to lessen my anxiety about the job. You see, when I mess up at work now, I think it seems as if I don’t care when my dad talks to me about it. But I do. A lot. I get incredibly worked up about what an, “awful job” (my words, not his) I’m doing, and that he must think I’m an incompetent failure, and then I wait for him to leave the office, and I cry. I cry for a long time, and I think about all the mistakes I’ve made and how I’ve responded and how it must seem to them.

I tend to shut myself inside of my own thoughts. That is, a million negative things fly through my mind all at once, and I shut myself inside with them. I then get so absorbed in my own thoughts about what I should say or do, I sometimes forget to say or do anything and all I want to do is go somewhere else and think about it for a few hours and calm myself down, but I can’t because I’m in the middle of the situation. And it happens to appear to whoever I’m having the “issue” with as if I don’t care. And once it’s all said and done, I never get over it. I feel guilty about it, constantly. And then I feel guilty about the fact that my parents probably think I don’t care. It happened when I got my speeding ticket, when I hit my dad’s car with my mom’s car and took her side mirror off on the garage, when I went on academic probation at school, when I mess up at work, you name it. I wonder if the situation will be better or worse when it’s not my parents that I’m dealing with. I often say that I act my absolute WORST with them. And I feel awful about it. But I’ll go into detail about that some other time. This is another one of those things that I’ve done for years but never really noticed until recently.  I’m not quite sure how to approach the subject with my parents (I mean, I probably do, but it’s more of a matter of would I ever?). Because I tend to do this thing where after all is said and done and I’ve had my “episode” (I’m not sure what else to call it at this point) My thoughts don’t turn back to fixing the situation until the next “episode” happens. This is just another reason why I would love to see a specialist. I’m going to make it a priority to go to the counselor at my school as soon as fall semester begins. I want the people around me to know that I do care. That I am working hard. And maybe they already think that and I’ve over dramatized it all in my head. I don’t know. But I can certainly say I believe my life would be better without these “episodes” than with.

I am an Insecure Nerd, and I am signing off for the day, I have lots of jobs to apply for. Thanks, and have a lovely summer.

4/28/2017, 12:05 PM

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